denial (not a river in egypt)

i think i'm in some kind of weird denial about leaving florida.

first of all, let's get one fact straight: florida sucks. it's the alpha and omega of suckiness. i find it difficult to think of another place i've lived that rivals the suckage of this particular state. and yet, perversely, my last few months here have been fun.

spending time with art and the kids, ice skating, getting to sing and play guitar at church, hanging out with friends, going to the beach, knitting...after years and years of boredom it figures that now things start to get interesting.

and yet i still want to go. in a way i'm glad it will be with slightly mixed feelings; to leave with the reckless and completely un-nostalgic glee i would have had say, a year ago, would have been kind of depressing. who wants to leave a place with little to no good memories, glad to be shaking the dust off their feet? i certainly don't. and it seems ungrateful to say that i've hated my time here in the sunshine state. i have a lot of good memories, all involving family and friends if not exciting adventures. i admit, it's been a hard ten years, but ultimately probably good for me after all that excitement of my younger years. maybe i needed some time in the doldrums (i like that word, too, jon) before i could move on.

but i digress. all i meant to say is that even though we're leaving here in four weeks it seems like it's never going to happen. my house isn't packed up and cleared of furniture. i didn't magically become fluent in russian overnight (dang it). my life, in fact, is exactly as it's always been. yet instead of freaking out about my lack of preparedness, i think on some level my denial is intentional--not because i don't want to leave, because i do, but because i can't stand that much anticipation.

prolonged exposure to anticipation makes me a little nutty. i can't sleep. i fidget. i wander from room to room hoping that any kind of relocation will make the anticipated event arrive faster. this happens to a minor degree before i go somewhere that requires getting ready and waiting--church, on a date, really anywhere that has a time frame involved. i leave it to your imagination, dear readers, just to what new and exciting levels my antsy craziness can ascend when the event is something as serious as moving. and so, out of concern for my family (and my own brain) i have decided somewhat subconciously to reside in a convenient state of denial for as long as possible. so far, so good. i am in a zen-like state of unpreparedness, and nothing could bother me less! i walk around in my very lived-in looking house, i peruse unpacked books, i observe paintings not yet taken down, ignore piles of clothes--and all with the most perfect unconcern.

we'll see how i'm doing a few weeks from now.