today was ilya's fourth and my first ice skating lesson. sadly, ilya's didn't go so well--he spent the majority of the class crying and holding on to the little PVC contraption they give to the skating-challenged kids. but i, on the other hand, was spectacular!!
as the only adult in a class whose median age was probably eight years old, i had the superior advantage of speed and the coordination that a 28 years of tripping over my own feet gives me. one might be tempted to think that the unfair advantage i had would cause me to hold back--you know, so the kiddies wouldn't feel so young and inexperienced in my awe-inspiring presence--but i have no scruples. i was at my most glorious, wiggling and swizzling my way across the ice with the speed and grace of a true prodigy.
most spectacular of all is what a natural i am at the art of stopping. being part of a beginner's class, they tried to teach us the hockey stop and the less-than-dignified snow plough stop, but i did not deign to use either of these mediocre methods. i much prefer the stunning technique of coming in way too fast and then slamming into the wall. in the absence of a wall, spinning around and flailing my arms does the trick as well.
at the end of the class i was given a pat on the back and told how well i did. like i needed to be told.
special olympics, here i come!