pain sucks

last year i found out my parents were getting a divorce, and as a knee jerk reaction i wrote a blog on myspace ripping my dad to shreds. it really hurt him, and it was unnecessary, so i removed it. since then i've been hesitant to write about anything really personal out of the fear i might offend someone.

but now my granny is dying.

the last few years she's been getting worse. when i got pregnant with ilya i was so excited to share it with her because she's really the only close grandparent i had. she didn't really understand what i was telling her, and that really hurt. the last time i saw her she didn't know me at all. that hurt even worse. but her condition has been deteriorating so quickly over the last few years that the prospect of her death, while still extremely sucky, isn't necessarily a surprise.

but it still hurts.

to add insult to injury, i had to find out through my brother zac. not that that in itself makes it bad, but rather the fact that my mother refused to tell me herself because she isn't speaking to me. why isn't she speaking to me? because art and i had the audacity to a) actually believe the bible and take a stand for that belief, and b) to care more about her soul than her feelings. after a lot of prayer and a lot of hesitation, we called her out on her actions and behavior since the divorce. she came to visit with her boyfriend, and stayed for five minutes total when she found out that we wanted to talk to her. then she left without saying anything and hasn't spoken to us since.

since that epic confrontation i've heard all sorts of opinions on the judiciousness, graciousness, etc., of our choosing to talk to her when she came to visit (instead of on the phone before she came). but regardless of everyone else's opinion, the bottom line is WE prayed about it, and WE felt like we were doing what God wanted. it's not like i, jenn grigoryev, am so hot to confront people that i just get in people's faces for fun. i hate it. with a passion. i can't stand to be looked at like some kind of critical weiner that enjoys being a jerk. but at the same time, when i care about someone i can't just sit idly by, seeing their stupidity, and in good conscience keep my mouth shut. i'd rather someone hated my guts and turned to Christ than thought i was just the best and died in thier sins. i've been fortunate to have a friend that has always, without fail, called me out when i was being stupid because she loves me. and that was our motivation with my mother.

and yet in this muddled, politically correct culture where absolutes and conviction are looked upon as archaic relics of a time long past i find myself annoyingly out of place. art told my mom's boyfriend that God loved him, and that he could turn to Christ at any time and repent and be saved. even writing those words now i feel the tiniest twinge of, "wow, that sounds so extreme and bible-thumperish." but why do i feel like that? either the bible is true or it isn't. if it isn't, then it's all a moot point. but if it is, oh if it is then what are we doing watering it down? making up asinine translations that muck up the meaning with vague and convenient euphemisms? the WORD OF GOD says that we are all sinners. in need of a savior. we are to repent, turn to God, give up our selfish desires and seek Him, to obey, to abstain, to be pure, to speak words that glorify God...and yet these things offend our modern ideas and ideals.

to say that there are absolutes, to claim that dating while still married is adultery sounds, to our ears, extreme. but it was pretty extreme when Jesus said that if you LOOK at a person with lust its the same as actually doing the deed. that doesn't mean we can interpret it in a softer, more manageable way because a literal interpretation offends us. my dad said that our way of looking at things seems not to take grace into account. maybe that is the case. i don't feel like it is, because God has been ridiculously gracious and forgiving to me for my horrible and selfish sins. i believe very strongly in the grace of God. but like paul said, we don't sin more so we can see more grace. we have to draw the line somewhere and say, "this is what i believe, and i WILL stand up for it." the truth is true or it's not--and the commandments of the Lord are not optional.

anyway, this is me just working out some grief and frustration. if my mom doesn't want to talk to me because i've offended her, i understand. i'm not going to apologize, not because i'm proud but because i'm not sorry. but my stance comes with a price, apparently. strangely, i don't regret it. but still. it hurts. and pain sucks.